The path of years is wide and cold, unclear
No light or tracks to guide you on your way.
When there seems a dark cave approaching near
It turns to fade into the coming day.
But through these hardships blindly do I go
For there is light in all the blackest caves.
Where others stumble I have stars to show
And passed the rocks and tricks their guiding saves.
My aide comes in the way of hearts of gold
That comfort, nurture, laugh and gaze the skies
And in the face of danger they are bold,
While in their company time’s passage flies.
Without these hints and comforts all light lends
Where would I be were it not for my friends?
11 comments:
MING!!!! I really loved your sonnet! its clever and i especially like the changes that you made to the third stanza. It tells more about your friends and I just really enjoyed your beautiful and suprising metaphore!YEAH MING! love keolamau
hello Ming. I liked your sonnet. It was very...touching. It flowed pretty well, and although I didn't see your first draft, I think that you had spent a good length of time into your sonnet. Anyway, a job well done!
-the nut
Ming! This is beautiful! You are such a gifted writer! The fluency, word choice and story are amazing!
-Katherine
This was such a nice poem. the ending was amazing!!! .... very clever... that surprising talk about your friends was really good. I wish i could give you comments on how to improve your sonnet, but i can't think of any, all i can say is your descriptions are very good- maybe add color to your descriptions.
ming! i enjoyed reading your revised sonnet! The last two lines were great because they surprised the reader! Great word choices too.
-rachel f.
Misspelled 'hardships'. Aside from that, your sonnet does not have many apparent flaws. The whole sonnet is pretty descriptive and sort of emotional. Also, the ending is easy to understand, yet meaningful. Nice job!
Great poem Ming. It's awesome to have awesome friends! You have a gramatical error in line 8. "And pass the rocks and tricks, do their guiding saves." Their should be a comma between tricks and do. I really liked you sonnet and you can certainly draw great meaning from it during your analysis.
Great poem Ming. It's awesome to have awesome friends! You have a gramatical error in line 8. "And pass the rocks and tricks, do their guiding saves." Their should be a comma between tricks and do. I really liked you sonnet and you can certainly draw great meaning from it during your analysis.
Hi Ming. First, I like how you chose to use iambic pentameter; it's a very stately meter and fits the voice of your poem seamlessly. I don't understand the "to leer" in the first line. Did you mean that life (path of years) leers at you? I also didn't get line 8. Do the stars/friends show you the rocks and tricks (what I expected after "to show") or did you mean: "And [I] have passed the rocks and tricks...". There's some other technical details. A comma after "Where others stumble" is needed, and I suspect you meant "aid" when you wrote "aide". "Aide" means "a person who acts as an assistant; specifically : a military officer who acts as an assistant to a superior officer" (http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/aide). "Aid" is help in general. Personally, I would change the "And" in line 11 to "When" and the "While" in line 12 to "And", but they're ok as is. I love the descriptions of the blackness in the beginning. There's so many good word choices: "path of years", "wide", "cold", "blindly", "stumble", etc. I feel really lonely. Then the images of "light", "laugh", and "gaze the skies" consoles us and we feel like we've been found. Inside, we feel the warmth and strength of companionship, and that is what is truly powerful and inspiring about your poem. [applause].
Well, hopefully this fat comment helps somehow.
this is a beautiful sonnet, accompanied by a very fitting image! i love that you added line breaks, emphasizing meaning and adding your personal twist to the traditional sonnet. great job!
i enjoyed your poem it reminded me of a bible scripture "and though i walk through the valley of death..." fluency, word choice are great your descriptions are awesome.
Post a Comment